Depression, anxiety and what is thought of as mental illness is not pleasant. Living with these challenges can be and is often quite disturbing and stressful (for me anyway).
Two and a half years ago I had another major mental breakdown. I previously had three documented psychosis’s in my early twenties. I am now in my early forties. I have been on psychotropic medication for over half of my life. I don’t like taking the medication. However, I know that if I do not take them, I will lose much of my physical freedom. I will quite likely be living in a psychiatric institution or I will have completed suicide.
Even while taking the medication(s) I now often think of suicide. Sometimes it is very difficult to deal with. In this moment, I compare the thoughts with the craving for a cigarette that a chain-smoker may experience. It is almost over-powering. I fight these thoughts and work hard to put them on a shelve to be dealt with again later.
Life on the medication is difficult. It does not take away all of what I live with, suffer with. It is not a cure. Inside my being, my reality, I hurt deeply. I see things both off and on the medication that can be difficult to express and explain in a way that is meaningful or useful for ‘others to take both personally (empathetically) and seriously. Often, I would say: “I experience life Biblically or in and end times sort of way”.
For just over half a decade, I have felt as if I’m living in a place similar to what may be thought of as “Mordor”. I live in a city. I grew up in the country. Initially, I moved here for work. Thankfully, I am now married and have built stronger family relationships. Due to my Family commitments and other present circumstances, I must stay in the city.
My psychosis reality is so real, and I just can’t shake it. The medication treats me so as I am less likely to act out or seem stranger than now. It feels as if “it” is like an invisible straight jacket, locking me up and hiding me from myself. I often must fight it, for inside me, inside the straight jacket is seems a relationship with my Creator, the Universe and with Life that is more beautiful and moving than most anything. It feels like a link to the Divine. A reason to live. To get up. To hope. To love. To be.
I experience both love and pain for all humanity, for our planet, for every living and spiritual being. For God, and yes, for the Fallen One.
In my reality, we are all ‘fallen. I pray, wish and meditate for our return. It feels dreadful and almost hopeless that we will indeed return home (Note: HERE/NOW). However, I just cannot bring myself to give up.
Yes, I realize that there is not always happy endings. I realize that there is not always a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, that life is not a fairy tale. Unicorns do not exist. Obviously when something is extinct or dead it is dead. Heck, even as a ‘believer: it is difficult to imagine the Red Sea parting, saying to the mountain, “jump into the sea and watching it do so”. Yes, maybe some things are figurative or are even allegories, pointing to a greater truth.
The Universe seems to have “LAWS” and these laws may be “fixed” and unalterable.
Are we humans fixed to destroy ourselves? Have we run our course? Fulfilled our life cycle? I can’t help to believe that we have so much more potential. That there can be a happy ending. At least a continuation or a new story/chapter.
Unfortunately, off of my medication, I worry my family and people don’t understand me etc. On my medication, I get lost and lose part of myself that I most often feel is who I must be in order to live out my dreams, my personal calling.
This may well seem ridiculous our laughable. But, for me it is more than real, and it is very painful. I have a vision and a hope that I cannot let go of, for without it, I’d be dead not just physically, emotionally but spiritually. Spirituality is Key to my survival. It is the Greatest “Magic” in the Universe. It allows me to love you, others, all life. Simply put: It allows me, commands me to love GOD and Creation, “Everything”.
True, I am not a good man. I want to be, I pray one day to be. But, like you: I too must return home. I pray with a prayer of prayers that we will travel home together, united. Even though we live together, I am alone and so are you. Yes, if we have the eyes to see the ears to hear, the sense of touch etc., we live in a Universe of our own, yet connected in a Multiverse. Now, I am not a true genius, this is just a thought of my experiences.
Even though in this world, I see you. I have always felt alone in my body, in my mind, in my reality. I seek companionship and comfort, Love. Others, yes you help to fulfil this (at least partially) is this any different with you? With God? We all require love. Just like plants require water. Without love, Life is a burning fire with no comfort or safety, simply a hell. It feels as if life, for me anyway is sort of hell NOW, again I now experience Mordor. I cannot un-see this experience. I also cannot un-see my experience of seeing parts of Heaven and some of Gods Creations. You see, I am living in a battle, a war of world’s, realities of universes. Our multiverse is at war. We are at war with each other. We are at war with ourselves.
The way home is not over-complicated. It is simple enough for a child to walk. The trouble is, we’ve lost the child within us while growing into the adults that we’ve become. We’ve eaten from a tree so to say. A verse has come to me… “come to me like a little child with the mind of an adult”.
Again, I am no genius or don’t expect to be seen as such any more than you. Again, I am not better than you (or worse). I am not all good. I too am somewhat lost. I desire to return home. I pray that you’ll want to return home. I pray that no man, woman or child will be left behind. I pray for ALL Life, for every Created Being, yes, I even pray for Satan and for his fallen Angels. I pray for a complete healing. I pray for this “DARK learning CYCLE” to be completed. I pray for a new earth and for a new heaven, I pray that we will take with us into this new earth and new heaven(s) the knowledge and understanding, the gratitude for lessons learned and that we will think very, very hard: Not to ever fall again! That we will indeed love our God with our whole heart, love Him with our everything, love ourselves and our neighbours, love ALL Life with our everything! And do unto everything as is ideal to be done unto ourselves (in a perfect world).
May We ALL Return Home. Amen.